Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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