dude i'm inner monologue high
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
