I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
