have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
