i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
