How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
