Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
