I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
