Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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