I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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