alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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