two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
