I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
