I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
