i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
