I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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