"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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