how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
