EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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