Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
