things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
