the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
