I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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