I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
