Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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