i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I want her autograph on my taint
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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