she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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