He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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