so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
