Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The ass gains better be worth it
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