we have pet lesbian snakes
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
