i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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