apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Someone shattered a urinal.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
