My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
