I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
