I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
