The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
