he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
