You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
