I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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