I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
