Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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