So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
