My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
