I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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