so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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