the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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