OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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