we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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