Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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