Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
